Dairy!*

"Among virgins, boys who have pledged abstinence were four times more likely to have had anal sex, according to the study. Overall, pledgers were six times more likely to have oral sex than teens who have remained abstinent but not as part of a pledge.The pledging group was also less likely to use condoms during their first sexual experience or get tested for STDs, the researchers found."
- http://www.weirdspot.com/index.php/weblog/abstinent_teens_are_really_big_hoes/

The World Needs a Hero - Megadeth
"the whitehouse is calling..."
"Tell'em I'll call them back, tell'em anything..just get'em off my back."
"the white house is calling.." "They wanna talk to me? Tell'em I can't be brought, tell'em I'm not free"

The great wall may be for pussies, but just try getting over the great firewall of China.

Now before we start I would like to use an internet definition of 'paranoia' But I can't because both google.com and dictionary.com are blocked by China and its firewall

I imagine the censors sitting at their tiny desks crammed in tighter than the thousand chinese monkeys currently competing with the american monkeys for best typewriting of famous literature (no word on a developing lead currently, but time will tell)

So censor number one (who I have nicknamed Eric) says to censor number three (who from now on will be Thorkild) "hey Thor, while censor number two(Finigan) is out drinking disgusting chinese tea, lets block some sites at random." The conversation that follows goes like this

Eric: I hear this google thing is actually a seditionary website designed by nazi-egyptians as a means of catologuing their progeny
Thorkild: aye, lad it be true.
Eric: By Odin's unblinking eye it must be removed so that our Chinese rhinosorus will not face extinction at the hands of these monsters. Rather, because we find them tasty to eat.
Thorkild: I hear that these foul beasts have a handy e-mail client in its beta testing stages that Isaac uses to talk to his family
Eric: The muse has granted you many wise insights young Thorkild.
Finigan: *enters* Alright you vikings, who has been raping my daughter this time
Eric: uhh, some guy called Isaac, he uses Gmail to talk to his parents every few days.
Thorkild: We were just commiting the justice of the gods him.
Finigan: DOS that bitch when you are done blocking gmail, no, better. SEND NEOPET ADs TO HIS INFERIOR HOTMAIL ACCOUNT BWAHAHAHA

And, because vikings run China's great firewall, I can't check my gmail anymore
Bitches, where are my e-mongolian neopets?

Isaac wrote this.

So I am using a computer type device, minding my own business a few months ago. Some girl comes online and tells me about how she loves HP slash. Now innocent little me knows all about tentacle rape, slavery fetish and the like, but has never heard of the term HP slash. The context is something like 'HP slash makes me cream my panties' So I figure it is some sort of interesting Hardcore Pr0n, investigation ensues...

Imagine my horror upon comming upon an archive of stories, opening one in glee, only to find the first few lines contain the following words:

• Wand: ok, lovewand, fucking weird hippy writer
• Spell: odd love metaphor
• Ron: RJ used to be the reigning champion, must be a reference.
• Harry Potter: Ok, little odd, where is this going?
• Homosexual felatio: mmm, felatio... *penny dropping sound*

Seems that the HP in HP slash had nothing to do with either printers OR Hardcore Pr0n. No, HP means Harry Potter, that silly little book you all love so much for some reason. And slash, well, yaoi by any other name would smell like semen drenched, testostorone filled scenes with bad diologe and no plot beyond lots and lots of gay sex.

Disgusted, and slightly turned on I contined looking. Turns out slash is not a 13 year old girls thinking about boys playing with each others 'wands'; It exists as a sick parody of some of my favorate slightly unpopular culture films.

So here is what I have to say about the few pieces I read before sinking to a new level of disgust at humanity.

• Dogma slash: silent bob does not speak, especially to say something as pointlessly mundane as 'i love you' while getting head from his little loudmouthed friend.
• Calvin and Hobbs slash: It is called masturbation if you have sex with an imaginary friend, even a butch one.
• Star trek slash: No, just don't.
• Lupin the third slash: Jigen has a silly hat to stop people doing that to his face, in any case if you had watched the eariler anime you would know that his nose is pointy enough to skewer anyone trying that specific act.

Sometimes I wish they would just come and take away my penis.
Isaac wrote this.